Tʜɪɴɢs Nᴏᴛ ᴛᴏ Dᴏ Wʜᴇɴ Rᴇᴄᴇɪᴠɪɴɢ ᴀ Bʟᴏᴡ Jᴏʙ

1. Orgasm without warning. There’s no way it sneaks up on you that quickly. I don’t believe you. Even if you don’t realize it until you’re going to come in 0.01 seconds, saying, “I’m coming!” will give her 0.01 seconds to close the back of her throat and avoid choking on Niagara Balls.

2. Demand that she get on her knees. If that position is comfortable for both of you, great, but if she is not in mood for getting intimate with your hard wood floors, that lady deserves to be reclining on a sofa.

3. Push on her head like you’re trying to dunk her at the lake house. People have gag reflexes. You may have never shoved a large object back into your throat, but if you did, you’d know that she is probably focusing really hard on not gagging the whole time, just for your pleasure. Put it this way: Would you rather face-fuck her or not get thrown up on? I feel like probably the latter. Her head is not a sex toy.

4. Fail to make sure your dick meets a respectable level of cleanliness. “Freshening up” is for everyone. If you’ve been walking around accumulating ball sweat all day and now you want a blow job, visit the bathroom and splash some water around down there. Don’t make her inhale your funky sack.

5. SILENCE. Dirty talk. Groan. Say you like that or suggest she play with your balls. Literally any noise you make is better than just sitting there in complete silence, leaving the gross suctiony noises ringing in her ears.