Do you allow yourself to fall apart, or does the thought of being seen broken feel too hard to bear?

Do you allow yourself to fall apart, or does the thought of being seen broken feel too hard to bear?

I fell apart last weekend, but this time, instead of falling apart in the safety of my own space, for the first time in our year long relationship, I fell apart in front of my partner on the beautiful romantic getaway he had planned for my birthday.

I think it is important to preface that my partner and I have a beautiful and loving open relationship. Being in an open relationship was never on the cards for me. I always say, “I didn’t choose the open path, the open path chose me.” It has come with a lot of emotional challenges, all of which have pushed me into new enlightened ways of relating to others and myself. For the most part, I feel very empowered in our dynamic. I feel more secure and loved than ever before, But a week prior, I found out my partner had reconnected with an old lover and it unlocked something deep within me.

As we set off on our adventure, I could feel something bubbling up inside of me. It was the residue of pent-up emotions that I had been hesitant about expressing since hearing the update.

I had been avoiding these emotions because I was so uncomfortable with what I was feeling, that I kept pushing them aside.

I didn’t want to be the girlfriend that was insecure and unsupportive of his other partners, but I’d made a pact with myself to only express myself fully from now on because I know keeping things hidden only perpetuates the cycle. So, I decided to share the real, raw and vulnerable Rachel.

💥 Rachel who wasn’t “perfectly integrated”.
💥 Rachel who wasn’t graceful and polite.
💥 Rachel who had something unfiltered to say about how she was feeling instead of tiptoeing around the truth of what was alive for her.

As I began to share, there was no turning back, the words started flowing out of me at lightning speed.

After expressing the truth of my experience, what came shortly after, was a wave of unbearable shame.

The jig was up.

I could no longer pass as the perfect, put together girlfriend who has “done all the work”.

I was now the broken, hysterical girlfriend who was insecure and not “put together”.

“He’ll leave you,” whispered my inner critic. 😰

And just like that, I began to spiral down into a dark hole of self-loathing and pity, riddled in shame and regret. The deeper I went, the more intense my inner critic became.

I was disgusted by what I observed.

My body had become restricted and contorted. I felt so ashamed I literally made myself physically smaller to hide in the passenger seat.

🤬 “You shouldn’t have said that Rachel.”
🤬 “You’re a bad person.”
🤬 “Who gave you the right to express yourself in that way.”
🤬 “Way to ruin the weekend.”

The more I listened to myself, the more pain I felt.

I was shaming myself for feeling shame.

Instead of lovingly holding space for the parts of me that felt insecure, small and not enough, my inner critic was quick to let me know that I was ruining this weekend and that my feelings were a problem and not welcome.

And so I sat with THAT.

As I slowly descended into my own darkness, I realised that I was being asked to face the memories and past traumas I thought I had surpassed.

The memories flooded in like a tsunami wave, the emotions were moving through me, cracking my heart into a million pieces. It was a physiological experience that I couldn’t control.

I had resorted back to a child-like state, petrified that my partner would leave me after seeing me like this.

I had exposed myself with nowhere to hide, literally!
We had just arrived at the Airbnb for a 2-night stay, I had no option but to be witnessed in my mess.

The more I fought against the energy moving through me, the more intense it became.

Like waves crashing and pulling me under, I felt as if I was drowning in turmoil.

As I lay on the bed in despair, I couldn’t stop repeating what happened in my mind. Suddenly, my partner lay beside me and whispered into my ear…

“It’s okay, I’ve got you, you’re safe with me.”.

Hearing those words, I began to soften.

✨ It was time to surrender ✨

Instead of pretending to be strong to fight what I was feeling, I let my tears pour as I retreated into his arms.

In that moment, I realised that being the perfectly put together woman who didn’t need anyone or anything, was exhausting. It felt nice to be held, physically, emotionally and energetically.
I decided it was time to trust that a man could hold me in all of my mess.

After all, if I am not willing to let the man that I love see me at my worst, then what’s the point?!

What came after that was a spaciousness for more love to pour in. The energy of his love and devotion touched every inch of my body, heart and soul.

The more I surrendered into my experience and allowed myself to be witnessed and held in all of it, the more I allowed him in. The more I allowed him in, the more connected we both became.
I received the gift of surrender and my partner received the gift of receiving all of me.

So if you want more intimacy in your life:

✨ You must be willing to open and share yourself with another.
✨ You must be willing to expand beyond what is comfortable and safe.
✨ You must be willing to be seen in all your imperfection.
✨ You must be willing to show the real, raw you.

Because when you can accept yourself in your fullness, only then, can someone else accept you.

This is vulnerability. And it is the only path to intimacy.

Love, Rachel Rose xx

#intimacy #surrender #selflove #love #devotion #divineunion #consciousconnection